


together

by allforonewolfboy



Category: Final Fantasy XIV
Genre: Angst, Drabble Collection, Final Fantasy XIV: Shadowbringers Spoilers, Friendship, but are too angsty to ever talk about their feelings, they care about each other way too much
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-23
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2020-10-26 14:29:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 8,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20743730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allforonewolfboy/pseuds/allforonewolfboy
Summary: a series of drabble-y things, mostly focused on the relationship between my WoL (A'yah Tia) and Alisaie. contains spoilers for Shadowbringers, and possibly all other expansions eventually.





	1. .

A hand on the railing, A'yah vaults over. A few seconds pass before there's the sound of him hitting the ground, and Alisaie rushes to the edge to watch him land on his feet.

"Idiot! Use the stairs!"

He looks up at her without a smile - even if he didn't have the scarf covering half his face, she'd be hard-pressed to guess what goes on in his mind from his expression alone. Neutral, as he so often wears since she's met him. Alphinaud sometimes speaks of a time where his smiles were much easier, his expressions plain to read. She wonders whether what she feels at the thought can be called regret; a nostalgia for something she was never there to witness.

She blinks to chase the thought, and he's still looking at her. 

"I'll catch you," he deadpans.

She's pretty sure he's not serious, but then again she also knows to trust him with her life. So she vaults over, just so a smile can split her face when she sees his eyes widen and his breath catch in his throat as she's going down. He  _ does  _ catch her, of course, and she smirks when she meets his eyes.

She pets his shoulder and springs out of his hold and to her feet.

"Good catch."

She turns to continue walking, but the image of his eyes lighting up with a smile she couldn't see and a quiet chuckle is burned bright into her mind.


	2. mask

She's crying.

She angled her face down so he wouldn't see it, but he did. Of course he did.

Under the scarf, he mouths 'I'm sorry', over and over and over again. Because he knew this would happen; he'd laid his hopes at the door before even going into that fight. And now she blames herself for not saving him and - there's something to be said for the way his heart broke and yet swelled with love when she was the one willing to run in and kill him.

When she was the only one to step forward, her sword bare, ready to do anything to spare him the pain of turning. When their eyes met, just a moment, and A'yah wishes so much that she could see then his whole being shattering with the affection he bears her.

'I'm sorry', he doesn't say to her, even though every inch of his body that's still his own (so very few) is crying out for it. 

There's no doubt she deserves better than that.

_ I don't want to die. _

He made her a promise not to leave her.

_ I don't want to die. _

There's not a thing he wouldn't sacrifice to watch her smile for so much longer. Dozens and dozens of years with her at his back or against his chest. 

_ I don't want to die. I don't want to die! _


	3. i trust you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i was running dohn mheg to level trust and then had feelings

Alisaie's lungs empty suddenly, but she manages to keep quiet through the pain. 

Her gaze flickers to A'yah to see if he noticed; to watch him wince and his features crumple as if he was the one that took that hit. 

She doesn't have the time to curse and straightens her back and leaps forward. Flowing into the movement, she feels Alphinaud's magic running through her bones and soothing the pain, but she knows not to look back and thank him.

She needs to be better. To push back her shoulders and keep her spine unbent. So he doesn't have to worry about her, so he doesn't have to have empathy ravaging what little of his face she can see.

She's gotten good at reading his eyes ever since he started wearing that scarf. It's always better than the full mask, that she'll easily concede, but that doesn't mean she doesn't wish she could see him smile with more than just a twinkle in his irises and a crinkle where he'll eventually (she hopes so,  _ gods _ she hopes so) get crow's feet.

In moments like these, maybe this is better, though.

Well. That's not true. She still wishes she could see his pain more clearly, too. She isn't just here for the good times, she's here for the bad and the worse as well. All of it.

No matter how long it takes or how much it hurts, he can count on her to keep on walking - that's what she told him, right?

"Alisaie!"

Alphinaud's voice snaps her back to reality just in time for her to get out of the way of the living tree that would have smashed down on her otherwise.

_ Damn it. _

She glances at A'yah to notice him assess that she's okay before focusing his attention back where it should be.

_ Idiot. Don't pay attention to me! _

Ugh. If that damn man could get a handle on his life and his feelings and his _pain_, she wouldn't have to lose her focus thinking about the idea of seeing his smile like the way it was before all of this. Before she really met him, before he was broken.

The last enemy goes down, and A'yah's shoulders relax somewhat as he puts his gigantic blade away. He looks over all of them - Alisaie, Alphinaud, and Y'shtola, one by one, as if to make sure that they're still there, that they haven't slipped away and out of his reach somehow.

"Good job, everyone," he says.

He looks Alisaie straight in the eyes when he says it, and she can't deny the comfort that nestles in her chest. She glances away, to Alphinaud staring at A'yah. He meets her eyes when he feels her look on him. 

"If everyone is in one piece, I suggest we keep moving," Y'shtola adds after a moment.

A'yah nods and starts walking, and they all follow after him.

When A'yah proposed this little 'training exercise' as he called it, Alisaie thought Y'shtola would be the very last person to take him up on the offer. Her forsaking of research in favour of going out to dangerous places with the Warrior of Light in order to get stronger seems quite out of character. Ah, well. Alisaie is sure Y'shtola must have her reasons, and she isn't about to question her about them.

After a short walk, A'yah spots the next group of enemies and stops. Alisaie watches his head turn, his gaze slide from her to her brother.

"I'm going to pull more of them this time. I trust you."

Alphinaud settles around his squared shoulders, his spine straight and his eyes sharp. He nods.

"Leave it to me."

A'yah's eyes twinkle, just a little bit. Just enough for Alisaie's heart to expand within her chest ever so slightly. She loves watching pride swell within him.

Then, just like that, A'yah starts the fight. 

She jumps in after him without a second of hesitation, and then everything gets lost in the haze of battle. Details become clearer but everything outside of this fades away and Alisaie's senses sharpen and the beats of her heart quiet down.

She's used to seeing A'yah take a beating from the corner of her eye - that's his job. She's long trained herself to tune it out so it doesn't distract her. But this time, it's a little  _ too _ much; he bends a knee and his shoulders crumble and he makes a sound, halfway between a cough and a growl, and lightning passes through Alisaie's spine as she snaps her look to her brother:

"ALPHINAUD!"

But Alphinaud is already on it, and before the echo of her scream can even fade A'yah is back on his feet. Relief and guilt trickle through Alisaie in equal measure in the same places where her confidence in Alphinaud and her crippling fear of losing A'yah clashed. The latter shouldn't have won, she knows that.

But she also knows what it was like to watch his body and his soul crumble, and the image is burned too bright in her cornea for her to just forget it.

"Thanks. I'm okay," A'yah says.

The fight isn't over, but Alisaie can still feel his attention on her even if she's doing her best to ignore it.

"Alisaie," he calls out. She doesn't look at him. "Trust in Alphinaud's strength just as you trust in my own."

"I know!" she snaps. "I do!"

She really does. And she knows Alphinaud knows she trusts him completely. It's just…

If A'yah were to die tomorrow, Alphinaud would be the one to protect her. And she would be the one to protect Alphinaud. 

The realization strikes Alisaie like a bolt of lightning, one of those that flash in the night and make the entire sky go pink. 

_ Trust each other _ , A'yah is trying to say.  _ Become stronger. _

_ So that when I'm gone, you can protect each other. _

Indignation, anger, fear bubble up to Alisaie's throat and she wants to scream and shout and punch him and hold him so close he'll never be able to get away.

_ Idiot! _

_ You won't die! _

_ You can't die! _

She drives her rapier through the last creature standing in their way and turns on a heel to face A'yah before the corpse even hits the ground. He stares straight into her in a way that leaves no doubt he's realized she knows his intent.

She clenches her fists so tight it hurts, her entire body tense as if she's getting ready to pounce. From behind her, Alphinaud reaches out and gently pushes her hand open so he can slide his fingers in between hers. The gesture manages to immediately calm her down.

She turns to look back at him, and he gives a small nod.

Affection rushes along her spine and mellows out the indignation. Still, Alisaie turns her head towards A'yah and looks him in the eyes.

"We'll talk about this later," she says even though she knows they won't.

What is there to say?  _ You're not allowed to die _ ? Making a promise you can't keep isn't a kindness. Still, she didn't want to just let it slide.

Watching him now, though, with his eyes just a shade sadder than neutral, it makes her heart ache a little.

"Let's move on," he says, and his voice dropped an octave since the last time he opened his mouth.

He's not that good of a liar. Alphinaud steps forward and pipes up (but doesn't let go of Alisaie's hand yet):

"Are you alright?"

This time, A'yah knows better than to speak; he just nods. 

There's something about Y'shtola that makes Alisaie feel like she's always acutely aware of all the little things happening around her. The impression absolutely doesn't fade when she intervenes:

"Let us keep going."

And A'yah starts walking. Alphinaud lets go of Alisaie's hand as he follows, and she jogs a little so she can reach A'yah and hover close to him.


	4. all the fish in the sea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i'm level 50 fisherman now

Water laps pleasantly at A'yah's feet, the rising sun reflecting beautifully at the edge of the horizon. The clouds are going purple, the sky speckled with the vanishing light of evening stars.

This is A'yah's happy place. With the beach at his back and the sea at his legs, his feet sunk in the water, fishing pole in hand and line bobbing gently along the waves.

Already, the sun trickles gentle heat along his skin as it slowly rises over the horizon. 

He hasn't gotten to come here and just relax in… a long time. Much too long. Not since… not since Haurchefant died, at any rate.

A pang of grief gently haunts him for a few moments at the thought, before retracting quietly like the waves. The same thing repeats when his thoughts inevitably drift to Ysayle, and as always Gosetsu's words echo in his mind; those who sacrifice themselves are at peace, because they believe their death will serve a higher purpose. 

Something bites, and A'yah focuses his attention on reeling it in rather than reminiscing and the regrets that often come with it. 

It's not too much of a struggle, and once the fish is in his hand and has been looked over he releases it back to the sea before casting his line out again.

The beach is quiet in the morning, and there's few things A'yah loves more than the rising sun and the sea. The sound of the waves, the gentle breeze, the sand between his toes - everything is perfect. Or at least, it should be.

_ I miss Alisaie. _

Longing tugs at his heart ever so tenderly, as it does and has ever since he came back to the Source while most of the Scions are still stuck in the First. 

He wishes he had Alisaie sat beside him, or swimming around close, or doing whatever she would be doing. He so rarely has gotten to spend time with her without them having to work it dawns on him that he has no idea what she likes to do for fun.

There's something hurtful about it, like a regret about something he couldn't have done any differently. At the very least, he'll have to ask her when they next meet.

He'd love to have both of the twins here, actually. To be able to feel Alphinaud's presence behind him, staying dry on the sand and reading a book. 

Suddenly, A'yah becomes keenly aware that he is alone. The sun feels a little bit less bright; its warmth a little bit less so.

He has long known that the twins are more important to him than his own life. Even before he truly met Alisaie, Alphinaud was the only reason that A'yah didn't completely crumble when he was most alone.

Many times, A'yah broke into a thousand little pieces. And every time, Alphinaud slowly put him back together - often without quite realizing he was doing it. He knows the boy admires him so much, and while that fills A'yah with so much pride he might burst, something in him knows it ought to be the other way around. 

And, well, it is. But perhaps that ought to be more known. A'yah hasn't told Alphinaud how highly he thinks of him - at the very least, not nearly enough.

Something bites again, and again A'yah focuses on reeling it in, looks at it, then releases it.

Before casting his line out once more, he looks over the horizon, to the rising sun painting sky and sea the prettiest colours.


	5. i love you

A'yah feels like all of his bones are aching.

On the tail end of one too many battles aboard Eden and a visit to Mord Souq, he climbs onto Midgardsormr and lets him and the wind carry him to The Inn at Journey's Head.

Of course, he's visited Alisaie there as soon as he came back to the First. She watches him unmount the dragon and start walking towards her, eyes tired and stride sluggish.

"What happened to you?!"

He gives an exhausted smile she can only guess through the way the corners of his eyes crinkle.

"I'm fine," he says. His steady voice seems to surmise his truthfulness.

She can't help the warmth it trickles along her spine and the tender smile it buds on her lips. So instead of bothering to try and hide those, she grabs his sleeve and drags him along so he can sit down somewhere.

He doesn't really. He half-leans on a box and she stands there with a hand on her hip eyeing him up and down as if it could somehow convince him to be reasonable.

"You can hardly stand, A'yah. In fact, you'd probably have been better off finding somewhere to sleep."

He waves her concerns off lazily, but his eyes have a hard time opening again every time he blinks.

"This is an inn, no?" he slurs.

Alisaie feels like someone just pricked her heart with something sharp. She almost startles at the pain, and A'yah blinks twice to chase sleep from his senses when the reaction comes through.

"Sorry", he immediately backtracks.

Alisaie purses her lips. A thousand images she doesn't want to think about are pressed against her skull, and she has to fight them so they won't blind her. 

She doesn't like that it only took such a simple thing for anguish to slither into her stomach. She knows he didn't mean for that to happen. So she forces a tight smile, one she knows won't fool him but she hopes he'll accept as only explanation.

"It's in the name," she offers, her voice just a note short of the nonchalance she intended. 

He nods. He doesn't quite smile, at least not enough for it to show in his eyes, and she wishes now as much as ever that she could read his expressions more clearly with half of his face obscured.

Sometimes, she wonders why he doesn't take the scarf off when it's just them. She isn't sure she wants to hear the answer.

Alisaie takes in a breath, spins on a heel and checks her shoulders.

"Get some sleep."

He mumbles 'yeah' and she can hear him cross his arms behind her. By the time she peeks back at him his eyes are hardly open and his ears are flat on his hair; she even gets to watch him doze off for a few seconds before his head falls and he startles awake.

His eyelids flutter a few times, and when he finally opens his eyes again, one of them is  _ distinctly  _ lighter than the other.

Alisaie blinks twice to chase the illusion - and yet, it's still there.

She pounces at him to grab the collar of his jacket and pull him down closer to her.

"A'yah! Your eye!"

He gives a puzzled look, eyebrows raised, with his ears perked straight up from the surprise, and she tries her best not to let panic overwhelm her.

She remembers the way he shone white when the light almost overtook him - and then the way Tesleen's face melted into a mass like clay. The memory is burned on the dark side of her eyelids so she can't even close her eyes to escape it, and she can't help a panicked hiccup escaping from her throat.

A'yah hovers hands around her shoulder as if ready to catch her from a fall, and she curses the weakness. She pulls harder at his collar so he'll have to bend down more.

" _ Don't worry about me _ !" she shouts.

His eyes widen and she can see even more clearly the brightness that has replaced amber in one of his irises.

"Worry about  _ your eye _ !" her voice cracks.

Not panicking is way far off. She can feel her hands tremble, so she holds onto him tighter so it won't show, digging her fingers into his flesh and clenching her teeth to keep the tears from flowing.

A'yah's pupils dart across every line of her face frantically and she wishes so  _ fucking _ dearly that she could see  _ any _ other sign of emotion on his face.

"My eye?!" he says. "Alisaie, what's wrong with my eye?!"

She wants to rip that scarf off of his face. She needs to see him before-

"It's gone white!" she hiccups instead. 

Fear passes through his irises like lightning, and panic firmly blocks Alisaie's breath in her throat at the sight. He can't be afraid, she needs him to be solid, because if he's afraid that means that there's a chance that he'll die and he can't die  _ he can't die _ !

A'yah snaps his hands away from hovering her shoulders and up to his face so he can see them, so he can watch light unfold his skin and peel away his humanity - but it doesn't. It doesn't. He takes in a sharp breath he didn't know he was holding and rips himself out of Alisaie's grip and she whimpers at the pain when her fingers are forced open and guilt immediately shatters his features.

She stumbles back and trips on her own feet and lands in the dirt.

When she looks back up at him, he's unblinkingly staring at his trembling hands. He slowly reaches up to his face to make sure it's still intact, then immediately bolts off.

"A'YAH!" she calls out.

He doesn't stop. She scrambles to her feet to follow him without catching her breath.

She catches up to him as he's staring at himself in the closest body of water he could find, a small basin set on a table.

She grabs a handful of his jacket and pulls him away with all her strength but only manages to spin him to face her. Then, she reaches up, grabs the scarf on his face and rips it away.

It reveals him the way she remembers. His lips slightly parted, his jaw unclenched, his eyes wide and that scar like an x on his chin, and the one that starts from his jaw and joins with the one over his  _ other _ eye.

She can feel the breaths she hasn't taken in a while heave her chest, and sobs shaking her shoulders, and she becomes aware of the tears staining her cheeks.

She wants to look away, but she can't bring herself to.

And then, he's got his arms around her shoulders and she's got her face buried in his chest and he's holding onto her  _ so tight _ .

"I'm okay," he breathes. He's got his fingers digging into her back. "I'm okay."

Alisaie doesn't want to break down. She doesn't want to melt into his embrace, and she certainly doesn't want to smear tears all over his shirt.

She wants to beg him not to die, but she doesn't want him to hear it.

"I'm sorry," he says. "I'm sorry, baby."

He so rarely calls her that.

Alisaie slowly calms her breathing and stays nestled in A'yah's arms, but doesn't return the embrace.

They stay like this for a little while. Long enough for both of their chests to settle from the panic and for Alisaie's tears to dry.

"I'm sorry," A'yah repeats time and time again.

She doesn't actually want to know why.

She waits for him to end the embrace, but he doesn't. He keeps her close and she can feel him breathing and she can hear the beats of his heart, slow and regular.

Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

If she isn't careful, it might lull her to sleep.

She says something, so quietly that he can't hear.

"I didn't catch that," he says.

She mumbles: "It's nothing."

He doesn't push it.


	6. flowers on his grave

When he comes back from Anyder, A'yah has changed.

Alisaie can see it from much too far as he and Y'shtola approach. Just in the way A'yah holds himself, his stance broken.

She immediately recognizes that this is a darkness she has never quite seen firsthand - one of which Alphinaud has only told her stories. A pain running too deep for even him to have seen the bottom of its wretched abyss.

One that Alisaie knows A'yah longs to hide behind his scarf.

Unfortunately for him, she has gotten too good at reading his eyes.

He runs to them, Y'shtola in tow, and he stares at Alisaie like a man terrified that she will disappear should he look away. He shuffles to a stop when he reaches her.

They share a long look.

For a moment, he is so desperate for her to quench his pain that he forgets to bury it.

And for that single, foolish moment, Alisaie dares to hope that he will let her.

Then the moment passes, and reality crashes back down on him along with the shame, the guilt, the weight of the world on his shoulders.  
He averts his eyes, and refuses to meet Alisaie's gaze thereafter.

She stares at him as the conversation rolls along. He stares at a point of emptiness right in front of his eyes; when he speaks, only the low rumble of his voice surmises it.

He is as a ghost. Not forgotten, but not living among those that surround him.

If only she could reach him. If only she could reach him.

She would do anything, almost anything, to reach him.

And there is anger that rumbles at the bottom of her stomach at the thought that she could, would he simply reach out a hand. He knows she would grab it, hold onto it for dear life - but he doesn't. 

He keeps his stupid hands right there, hovering his waist as if ready to unsheathe a sword at his belt at any moment; never mind that his sword hangs at his back. Never mind that his spine is so stiff and his stance so frozen that she doubts he could even move to grab the damn sword if he wanted to.

She stares at him the entire time. Even when she speaks up, she drills a stare into his thick skull. He never spares her a glance.

When the conversation winds down and the plans are made, the group scatters. Alphinaud lingers when he sees Alisaie stand her ground, but a look and a nod are all he needs to leave her to it.

A'yah hasn't moved either. He's sunk up to his eyes in despair, frozen in time. 

He's drowning. So much so that Alisaie has to stare an uncomfortably long time before she can be sure that he's still breathing.

His chest rises and falls so subtly.

"You want to talk about it?"  
She tried an inviting voice, but anger and bitterness slithered in from the back of her throat to make it sound sarcastic.

He doesn't look at her.   
All Alisaie wants to do is grab his collar, punch him, scream, pound on his chest as if it were a stubborn box she tried desperately to pry open, to reach and heal his wretched heart.

But there's something about his look, about the fog in his eyes, about his stance like frozen in ice; in that it could shatter at any moment, and he'd break into a million little pieces and melt away.

He looks so…_ fragile _. So much so that fear suddenly grips Alisaie at the throat, a lightning strike of panic through her entire body. 

Her eyes widen, but she manages to swallow the frightened hiccup that pounded at her throat before it can escape. He doesn't see it.

"A'yah," she pleads, her voice surprisingly steady.

She's picked up bad habits from him. It seems easier now to bury her feelings in her stomach than it did before.

He blinks, once. 

"I…" he croaks.

Something in him keeps the rest of the words behind his scarf. Something that collapses his posture, like a blow to the chest. Like his ribs caving in and his lungs emptying and the taste of blood in his mouth.

She's seen him take so many hits. She'd do anything to spare him more. To take his pain upon her shoulders and crumple like a house of cards, because she isn't half as strong as the weakest version of him.

She would die, she would die, but he could be happy. 

But then he wouldn't, she knows, because those that have died to spare him a worse fate are the very same that make his chest collapse right now. He doesn't have it in him to mourn her.

Besides, she promised. Neither of them can die and leave the other alone.

"A'yah," she repeats. This time, she manages to speak it through a sob.

She watches him, the way his knees bend, the way he tries to move his stiff bones towards her. But he doesn't manage to move forward, only down, and he slowly collapses to his knees. Like a tower, falling after a thousand years.

She has never seen him fall. He keeps those moments to himself, in the privacy of his soul, hidden away. But she watches him fall now, and it's terrifying, it's the scariest thing she's ever seen; but still, _ still _, her heart might burst in pain or relief, that he will let her walk up to him and gather his head against her shoulder and hold him and cry.

He doesn't move when she approaches, and he doesn't look at her.

"I'm sorry," she says, but she's not sure why.

She collapses along with him, her hands on his shoulders, and he crumbles into her.

She brings him against herself, a hand at his neck, and he leans so much more of his weight on her than he ever has before, and he buries his face in her neck and she notices that he's crying because his tears wet the collar of her jacket.

She feels him unravel in her arms. She feels the sobs that rattle his chest, and the way he can't hold himself up anymore. And she holds him, a hand at his neck and another at his back, and she has terror at the bottom of her stomach and the back of her neck and in the middle of her chest, and she cries, too.

She wants to know who it was that reduced him to this. She knows their names, she knows their accomplishments, she knows their deaths, but she doesn't know them. She needs to know whose souls A'yah is missing, what shapes are the holes in his chest. What shape must she take to fill them.

_ Tell me about them _ , she wants to say. _ You have to tell me about them. _ But she can't make him go through their memory again. If he had to suffer for that, she'd die.

There is an A'yah Alisaie mourns at night, one she mourns right now with the saviour of the universe collapsed against her crying like a child. The ghost of a man without this despair hollowing out his chest, one who still smiled the way Alphinaud promises she'll see one day. 

There is a man buried below these years, right beside Haurchefant and Ysayle. The only difference between him and them is that she can't leave flowers on his grave.


	7. sunshine

Alisaie had forgotten what peace feels like.

It feels like a weight lifted from her shoulders and her chest; like being able to breathe properly again for the first time in such a long while.

The sadness that accompanies it is gentle, nestled in her heart but never sharp enough to draw blood.

And even if it did, the wound would quickly heal. Finally back in Mor Dhona, sat around a table with Alphinaud and A'yah, an errant thought passes through Alisaie's mind that this is the first time she has truly experienced happiness.

It's certainly the most relaxed she's ever seen A'yah, and that alone could heal all the wounds in the universe.

(Although she would kill anyone who would dare ask that of him.)

"I should like to meet Estinien in person to thank him, but I doubt that'll be possible," Alphinaud sighs. "Ah, well. That's simply who he is."

"An asshole, that's who he is," A'yah drawls.

He leans back in his chair, shoulders low and hands resting on his knees, and tilts his head to one side.

"You'd think the man could make time. I do, and I have at least two worlds to save."

And how the workload usually strains his stance. 

_ Usually _ . The new slack in his posture flows like a wave in his every movement as A'yah throws his boots on top of the table and crosses his arms behind his head.

A king with finally a moment's rest to sit on his throne and breathe. His realm at peace, his people safe.

He flickers a look to Alisaie to find her staring and smiles with the whole sun shining behind his pupils.

She hopes he knows she would kill for him. She hopes she can communicate it in that moment just through her eyes, the way she would do damn near anything to see him smile like this every single day of her life.

She remembers all the times Alphinaud promised she'd get to see A'yah like this eventually. She remembers how impossible it seemed not two days ago. But then again, she should have known he's too strong to ever let her down. 

He'd pluck out all the stars from all the skies to give them to her, and that smile is hardly less bright. If it doesn't cost him everything, she'd never have to ask anything of him again - and she'd never let anyone ask either.

Alisaie knows, deep down in her stomach, that she would rather every world collapse than to have to rip that peace away from him.

She also knows that he'd never let her wish for that. That no matter how much it hurts him, A'yah can't help but carry the whole universe on his shoulders. And she knows that she'll stand by him, no matter how much it hurts her too. 

But for now, they don't have to share pain. Just warmth. Just a table, and a pot of tea. A few smiles and words, Alphinaud's company, the safety of a place they can call home.

Alisaie feels Alphinaud's gentle stare and glances to meet his eyes. He smiles, too, bright and warm and knowing that he's finally managed to fulfill his promise even though it was never in his hands.

How embarrassing. Alisaie averts her eyes and puffs her chest.

"What are you looking at me like that for?" she huffs.

He chuckles.

"Nothing, dear sister."

"Yeah, yeah."

Her stare wanders back to A'yah and the sunshine he calls the crinkles in his eyes.


	8. flowers for the stars

One day, A'yah walks into the Rising Stones with nothing covering his face.

Alisaie's stomach sinks and her heart soars and the feeling is strange and overwhelming. 

He's wearing spectacles that somehow make him look so much softer. They rest so gently on his nose that not even the scars at his cheeks and over his eye disrupt the illusion that he is unbroken, untouched by tragedy.

A'yah has a kind face. Alisaie isn't sure how she hadn't noticed before, but now it's the only thing she can think about.

She hears Alphinaud smile at her side. He lays his chin on his hand, his gaze following A'yah as he walks to their table. He's noticed the strange apparatus at A'yah's back.

"I see you've picked up Astrology," Alphinaud says, and his smile sounds in his voice.

There are so many emotions in Alisaie's chest she feels like she might explode. She isn't sure whether she wants to smile or laugh or scream or burst into tears.

A'yah smiles.

"Yeah," he says.

"You should ask Urianger for counsel. I am sure he would be well glad to help you," Alphinaud suggests.

A'yah makes a face; his lips thin and his nose ever so slightly scrunched, and Alisaie realizes the moment she sees it that  _ it should be hidden by the scarf _ . But it's not. It's not, and she watches him not realize it, and she watches Alphinaud be surprised and confused by it, and then she watches A'yah notice that and not understand it.

Laughter bursts out of her like water from a broken dam. It's unrelenting and unstoppable enough to fill her eyes with tears, so she can't see A'yah watch the waterfall as if it were real and he was the most parched man in the universe.

Alphinaud turns to her, his features questioning but his smile so unyieldingly warm. 

"What seems to be so funny?" he says.

She's laughing too hard to answer him. Tears are rolling down her cheeks at this point, and she can feel both of their looks on her; and then in the blur of her vision she watches them share a confused look and that makes her laugh even harder.

It takes a while for Alisaie to stop crying. Chuckles still rattle her chest when her sight finally clears, and she looks up to find A'yah smiling.

There's something unbearable in the expression. Like he could burst with the love he holds for her, like she is the only thing that matters. 

Witnessing the full force of the emotion is like a tidal wave; it slowly kills the laughter in her throat, and Alisaie can't bear to think that he was looking at her like that the whole time behind the scarf.

Is this what he's been hiding? She remembers the last time she saw his face bare, when his eye changed. He was too distressed for his features to hold the full brunt of his feelings towards her. At least, not like this.

She buried her face in his chest back then so she wouldn't have to see it. Now, there is no barrier between his love and her.

Alphinaud gestures to the empty seat at the table.

"Come, sit down. Don't just stand there."

A'yah blinks, then obeys. He slinks down into the chair with all the ease his shoulders never carry. It's still strange to see him so laid back. 

"This is your first venture into magic, isn't it?" Alphinaud says. "What motivated you to pick it up?"

Something passes through A'yah's eyes and his lips fold strangely. Like a smile run through with a sword, damaged and unhappy but still somehow there. An expression of peace built and not simply felt.

"I suppose…" he says, "it seemed like fun. And…"

He trails off and averts his eyes from both of them. There is a moment of silence as A'yah gathers himself and Alphinaud waits patiently. A'yah turns his look to him, his eyes so gentle and pained and the corners of his mouth digging into his cheeks.

"I went to visit Ysayle today."

There is a grief they both share that Alisaie can never touch. Alphinaud's expression dims, pained but incredibly tender.

"I see."

His voice is quiet, as it so rarely is. 

Grief makes Alphinaud muted and gentle. It tempers his emotions and tames his passions, and it makes him seem so small and so big at the same time. Like his frame can't possibly contain the heavens' worth of feeling that somehow fits between all of his ribs.

A'yah swallows thickly. There is something so incredible about the way mourning shapes his face. His features are molded for it. That's something that Alisaie can only truly recognize now that she can see him past the scarf.

"I don't know how familiar you are with the concepts Astrology is built on," A'yah says. "There are seven Heavens. The first through the sixth can be accessed by Astrologians to tap into their power."

Which makes the seventh inaccessible. Alisaie cannot formulate the guess in her thoughts, but it settles down in her stomach like a falling leaf onto still water.

"The seventh," A'yah continues, and his voice has become quieter, "is the realm of the dead."

He smiles, so brightly and so painfully. The crinkle in his eyes alone can't convey the depth of the emotion. Alphinaud looks him in the eyes and waits, almost desperately, for A'yah to finish the thought.

"I'm not looking to… bring them back," A'yah speaks through something in his throat, his smile fallen. "I simply… I would only like to give them a few words."

Alisaie can see Alphinaud's throat tremble. She knows when he purses his lips that he is hiding their quivering.

"I miss them-" his voice cracks. Alphinaud pauses to swallow a sob and steady himself. "... I miss them dearly as well."

And he smiles, too. So wide and so warm and so bright, with his eyes closed so the tears won't flow.

"If you ever need help, I will be full glad to assist you," he says.

A'yah nods. The silence that settles after is heavy and bittersweet. There is that grief that Alphinaud and A'yah share that Alisaie cannot touch. One she knows well - but she only knows the bitterness of it. 

Weren't the departed wonderful to be so dearly missed? Such a powerful, meaningful pain. Alisaie knows if she asked, she would always be told that it was worth it. 

A'yah has revealed his heart to them with his face bared. And Alisaie has kept her questions behind a barrier just like the scarf hid the depths of A'yah's smile, and perhaps it's time for her to take that step, too.

"Tell me about them."

She blurted it out before she could stop herself. The tone is too curt and awkward and demanding.

Yet she is met with Alphinaud's tenderness and A'yah's gentle surprise.

"I would love to," Alphinaud says. "May I?"

He looks to A'yah. A'yah nods, muted, his lips tight. Alphinaud smiles gently at him.

"Haurchefant was… Warm. He was a highly dedicated knight, determined to repay all that his father had sacrificed not to abandon him. He was hard-working and resolute, and he was courageous almost to a fault. But most of all, Haurchefant was kind."

"He was… hopelessly optimistic," A'yah adds, and his voice is croaky and unsteady and almost trembling. He is not looking at either Alphinaud and Alisaie, his face angled to the sky and losing his stare in the ceiling. "No matter how dire the situation, he was always confident that things would work out in the end."

Watching his mouth twist in pain, Alisaie guesses that he is looking up to stop the tears from flowing. There is something stiff in his stance, the way his fists are hidden below the table and his shoulders tight.

"When we had nothing left, nowhere left to go," he continues, and the words are so strangled, "he saved us. He gave us a home. He was our last bastion to turn to, and he shielded us and protected us and gave us everything, no matter what."

No matter how highly A'yah's face is angled, he cannot contain the tears at this point. Both Alisaie and Alphinaud watch them trickle down his face and drip from his jaw.

A'yah grits his teeth and scrunches his nose and squeezes his eyes shut. The pain is so evident and overwhelming. This isn't what Alisaie wanted.

"You don't have to speak of it if you don't want to-" 

He cuts her off.

"No."

He tilts his face back down and stares straight at Alisaie.

"They are so much more than the grief caused by their death. I don't want them to be reduced to that!"

There's a fire in eyes, or an ocean, maybe. Either way, it's restless and unstoppable. Tears are not a sign of weakness; they are war paint on his face. He is ripping through the pain that holds him.

It hurts Alisaie right in the middle of her chest, excruciating. The pain radiates out and between her ribs, and looking him straight in the eyes with that feeling on his bare face is so  _ overwhelming _ and Alisaie feels like she might cry, too, but she doesn't. She holds his stare and she meets him right there and she  _ sees _ him. And it  _ hurts _ .

But she would rather suffer this pain a thousandfold than not share it with him.

"Then tell me about them," she says, again. And her voice is so steady and resolute.

A'yah wipes the tears from his face with the back of his hand.

"Haurchefant was-" he hiccups a sob, but doesn't let that stop him - "he was an incredible light. And the world was forever made dimmer and colder with his death."

Alphinaud is crying, too. Alisaie hears him sniffle at her side, although she can't stop staring at A'yah. Wordlessly, she reaches out a hand to him, and Alphinaud takes it gently and squeezes her fingers.

"And Ysayle-" this time, A'yah voice  _ breaks _ , it really  _ breaks _ , enough that he has to pause to gather himself. " _ Ysayle _ was everything. She was the most resolute, steadfast person I ever knew. She would have done anything to bring an end to that war, and she  _ did _ . She  _ did _ , Gods damn it! She gave  _ everything _ , because she knew she was the only one who could do what she did."

Alisaie watches A'yah crumble. She watches as the tears paint battles on his cheeks, and she watches as everything falls on his shoulders. She sees him take all of that pain and hold it in his chest like something so precious, because it  _ is _ , because it was born of love and trust and companionship and admiration.

"Ysayle wasn't warm in the way most people are," A'yah continues, his voice trembling from the crying. "She didn't smile that way. Ysayle  _ burned _ like the brightest star in the sky. She was someone that people looked up to like that, too; like the brightest star to guide their way. And she led them with everything she had, all of the conviction and compassion that she was capable of. Ysayle recognized that she was the only one who could make a difference the way she did, and she stepped up to fill that role with all of the strength and faith that could be expected of a living being."

"She was deeply kind," Alphinaud pipes up. A'yah is surprised to hear his voice and turns to watch him, and there is a light in his eyes that expands when their stares meet, "in a way that most people struggle to be. She understood others for everything that they were, good and bad and all. And though she was deeply compassionate, she was never willing to compromise her ideals for any reason. Even when she learned truths that made her question what she had been fighting for, Ysayle held steadfast to her convictions: peace, justice, love. She was an incredible person and leader, one that I and all who knew her can only hope to emulate."

Alphinaud bears pain so differently than A'yah does. He holds onto Alisaie's hand steadily as the tears trail down his cheeks, and he and A'yah share in something that only they can know.

Alisaie doesn't resent it. She truly understands now the lights that were extinguished with Ysayle and Haurchefant's deaths. She truly understands now how those who have basked in that radiance can suffer so much to have lost them.

So rarely she had heard Alphinaud speak this highly of someone besides A'yah.

There is a hole in Alisaie's chest now where those lights should have been. A hole where she should share in their grief the way she wishes she could. 

"I wish I could have met them," she says.

"Me too." 

Both A'yah and Alphinaud speak in unison.

There is something Alisaie recognizes at that moment. She sees it in the way A'yah looks at her through eyes blurred with tears, the way the corners of his mouth sink deeply into his cheeks, his lips tight. 

How he loves her. How he wishes so dearly that she may have known firsthand the refulgence of Haurchefant and Ysayle. How he wants to share with her the pain of losing them, because it is a grief that makes him whole.

It is a fractured ideal he shows to most of those who view him as a saviour. To Alisaie, he wishes to show something complete.


	9. whatever killed the cat

Alisaie wakes up with sweat cold and sticky at her back.

The room is still dark, but she knows this enemy. She's had those nightmares enough times that she doesn't wake up gasping; or she does, but she can stabilize her breathing easy enough so she won't bother Alphinaud.

Wisps of moonlight are streaming in from the window. The light is cold and a shiver runs through Alisaie's spine.

There is no warmth to find in this damp bedding. Alisaie pushes it off and spins to lay her feet on the stone floor and quietly get up.

She spreads out the sheets as much as possible so they'll be dry by morning. There's already a change of clothes set out on the bedside table, so Alisaie sheds her sweaty sleep clothes in favour of those.

She finds her way outside in the darkness without candlelight and closes the door behind herself in silence. The climb to the roof isn't difficult, and the night sky welcomes her without a word.

She sits down and lets out a long breath.

She watched A'yah's spine snap, once. It happened so fast and he was fine the next time she blinked, but she's sure she saw it.

He took a hit she was  _ sure _ had killed him, she watched him  _ break _ , she  _ saw _ the light leave his eyes and she saw him go limp - but then his shoulders tensed and raised like he was stringed up by some fucked up puppet master. 

And he didn't turn to make sure she was okay like he usually does, like he's afraid when he takes a hit she's the one who'll suffer the consequences. He just stared straight forward, his eyes unfocused and so glassy she couldn't really see the colours of his irises, and he lifted his sword and his rib cage wasn't set on right and his shoulders weren't where they were supposed to be and then - she blinked, and she's sure she heard him set all of the bones right.

It's only after that that Alphinaud's magic finally made its way to the wounds A'yah's spine had opened. That's when his eyesight cleared and he turned to look at Alisaie and he  _ knew _ . There was something so haunted in the way he met her eyes there. Like he was mouthing  _ I'm sorry _ under the scarf.

She noticed he tried to do it again when the light was taking him over.

Well, maybe tried isn't the right word. He couldn't keep his eyes open anymore and he was going limp, and then his head shot up and his eyes widened and she saw it then, too; the way his eyes went glassy and unfocused. But that time, there was something else there like a red light shining behind his pupils.

Someone or something saved him, then.

She doesn't know if it's a quality of being the saviour of the universe that he can just die like that.

Someone is climbing to the roof.

Alisaie doesn't startle when A'yah walks forward and sits beside her.

He's got his hair in a high ponytail without the fancy braid he usually wears and his face bare. He doesn't make a sound when he sits down, his tail slowly swaying behind him.

Slowly, she leans over until she can lay her head on his shoulder. His skin is warm and he radiates heat.

She says:

"Do you think it's true that cats have nine lives?"

She feels his shoulders tense a little bit at the question. Then, he relaxes and softly lowers his head so it can lay against hers. 

"I don't know," he says. "Do you know the expression 'curiosity killed the cat'?"

"Mhm."

"You know how it ends?"

She lifts an eyebrow.

"That's not it?"

"No," he says. "It goes: 'curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back.'"

She feels his left ear flicker in her hair. 

"So I think," he continues, "that cats can probably die however many times they want, as long as they have something important to come back to."

He lifts his hand slowly and offers it out to her, palm up. She slips her fingers in between his and sets his hand down onto her lap.

"Good," she whispers.


End file.
